by Michael Steffen
You are stranded on a deserted island,
spitting distance from a large city,
and since your rescue will be prone
to many violent storms, you’re sure to be hit
by a swinging mast, after which
you will fall into a coma.
If you’re a bad person and you fall into a coma,
you’ll wake up a good person;
if you’re a good person and you fall into a coma,
you’ll wake up with amnesia.
Good people always go to jail.
Even though your cousin is an assistant DA,
he will still be allowed to prosecute
an embezzlement case against you.
You will immediately flee.
Although your abandoned truck will be found
idling near a reservoir, the interior
doused with blood of unknown origin,
it will be assumed you are dead.
Death is not permanent. In your “afterlife,”
when you underwhelm Broadway
with your lack of talent, you’ll be forced to return
as an unfaithful husband who learns
all birth control is ineffective.
Twelve hours after you cheat on your wife,
your mistress will experience nausea, vomiting.
If she desperately wants your baby,
she’ll quickly lose her ability to navigate stairs
(Despite her several miscarriages,
she’s never equated the word pregnant with
“Don’t go near the steps”).
After your marriage fails, you’ll be required
to throw your wedding ring off a terrace
into a moonlit sea.
Michael Steffen believes that everything is a goat.
