(Real Titles of Real Books)
by Jeff Klooger
Some books should never have been written; others
are indispensible. Some demand to be read by all who pretend
to taste and culture; some can be faked
with only the briefest acquaintance, condensed
to a meagre phrase or word. Some books are lost forever;
only their titles remain: like Archimedes’ On Sphere-Making
or Suetonius’ Lives Of Famous Whores. Some titles live on
long after their books are remaindered, pulped, forgotten; and some
deserve a life of their own, whatever the merits
of the wisdom they once served to herald.
Take Howson’s Handbook For The Limbless: a title
at once profound and cruel; or Derek’s Memorable Balls:
crude but delightful. Luccock’s Living Without Gloves
would seem essential, and How To Be Happy Though Human
is surely needed today more than ever.
What’s Wrong With My Iguana? seems designed
for a limited audience, but What To Talk About
is a lesson all could learn. How I Lived
On 4 ¾ d. A Day. By A Woman Who Now Realizes
That She Has Hitherto Eaten Too Much
is a salutary tale, without need for further elaboration,
and How To Make An Atomic Bomb In Your Own Kitchen
– Well, Practically! is exciting and frightening at the same time.
The maritime trilogy – How To Avoid Huge Ships,
How To Save A Big Ship From Sinking, Even Though Torpedoed
and How To Abandon Ship – would be perfect reading
for that ocean cruise, and Rappole’s Birds Of The Mid-Atlantic,
And Where To Find Them could offer some amusement
on the way. Intriguing is the word for Montague’s
Troubles We Don’t Talk About, and Bell’s Sex And Death
In Protozoa: History Of An Obsession promises a lively read
about things that really matter – well, to Bell, at least.
Pritchard’s The Abuse Of Elderly People: A Handbook For Professionals
might prove too tempting to those without the right credentials,
but The Development Of A Procedure
For Eliciting From Boys About The Nature And Extent
Of Their Stealing belongs on every parent’s shelves.
1587, A Year Of No Significance might be passed over
but Wright’s A Three-Foot Stool draws our attention
as well as admiration. Charlie And His Dog Shag
might just be silly as well as depraved,
but de Windt’s monumental Moles And Their Meaning.
With Regard To The Mind, Morals And Astral Indications
In Both Sexes, Being A Modernised And Easy Guide
To The Ancient Science Of Divination By The Moles
Of The Human Body (Founded On The Works And Researches
Of One Richard Sanders, A.D. 1653, And Other Eminent Astrologers
Of About The Same Period) is clearly as undeniably earnest
as it is preposterous. When Hawkins wrote his treatise
Mathematical Principles Of Theology; Or,
The Existence Of God Geometrically Demonstrated
did he expect us to remember it two centuries on?
Yes. I’m sure he did. As do all authors,
who love their books enough to lavish
titles that sing and holler and creak
and make us readers wonder what’s inside
an author’s head. I mean, A Kiss For A Blow
we can all understand, and How To Cook Husbands
has a ready-made audience, but Sex After Death
seems optimistic, if not perverse.
There Must Be A Reason is a plea,
not an argument, and Not Worth Reading
is self-deprecating to the point of madness.
Elizabeth Ross, author of How To Write
While You Sleep, may have the right idea.
How else to explain Planet Of The Knob Heads
or Kinky Finds The Clue? Give up,
you bibliographers and bibliophiles!
Watch out for those exploding spiders!
Beware The Glands Of Destiny!
Read at your peril. Write at your reputation’s expense.
Jeff Klooger listens, thinks and writes, not necessarily in
that order.
