by Jason Fialkovich
Bitter-Blue Red
This semi-bitter red table wine goes great with red meats and pastas. Enjoy it with a romantic, home-made dinner for two. The flowery aromas will make you feel the warmth of passion and desire. When that special someone tells you to stop rubbing against her, she has a headache and she’s just not in the mood tonight, finish the rest of the bottle alone. The vines that these grapes grow from are hand-picked and enhance the sensations in the hands and loins. While your loved-one sleeps soundly, the wine arouses and motivates you to please yourself. Masturbate under the sheets but be sure to aim at your partner’s backside. In the morning, when the sheets are stuck to her ass, tell Cynthia you don’t remember a thing about last night. Blame it on this incredibly delicious wine. She’s a cocktease anyway, and you can’t do much better. You’ll have to try again later in the week with another one of our remarkable wines!
Warning Welcome Chardonnay
This sweet Chardonnay makes a great welcoming gift for any new neighbor! Pair it with brie or goat cheeses. When you find out your new neighbor is a young man—a few years older than your high school daughter—tell him to never look or lay a finger on your baby girl. When that bold new neighbor drinks this wine, gets extremely intoxicated and begins smooth talking your daughter, take this bottle out of his recycling bin. The glass is thick and heavy, hand-blown by some of the most skilled and vicious hands in the country. Hit the son of a bitch over the head—he’ll more than likely be knocked unconscious after just one blow. That’ll teach him. This Chardonnay offers a proper welcoming. Check his frig and take back your fine cheese—you’re entitled to it.
Deceitfully Sweet Riesling
Our vineyards in the lower Adirondacks have the richest soil to provide our grapes with the most robust and sweetest flavors for any wine. We select only the ripest grapes to put into our wine, which make Deceitfully Sweet Riesling ripe for pranks as well. Convince your friends it’s fruit juice, especially Timothy Chasten. Ever since he’s been going to A.A. he acts like he’s some sort of martyr and gets everyone’s attention and sympathy, while you’re still stuck with forty-three more hours of community service even though it was his idea for the two of you to get drunk before coaching your son’s tee ball game.
Deceitfully Sweet Riesling gets its name from is unbelievably sweet flavor and smoothness, Timothy will have no idea that once he’s a few glasses in, he’s relapsing. Be sure to call his sponsor when he’s pants-less and on his way to the zoo to hug a giraffe. Also try it with tart desserts like lemon cheesecake or Granny Smith apple pie!
Jason Fialkovich has dreams of becoming a food and wine critic, not a "hungry alcoholic."
